starting with one desire to grow…

Before I got pregnant, I told all my girlfriends (most without kids at that time) that “my kids will have to fit into my life and do what I do, not the other way around”.  I was adamant that I wouldn’t become one of those mothers that totally changes and makes her life all about her kids.  Well, once again I’ve learned that you NEVER KNOW what to expect from life.

My kids are my life.  ALMOST everything I do every day, from the moment I wake up til the moment I go to bed is for them.  I don’t resent that fact now, I embrace it.

Growing up I never really had a calling.  I had interests, but no passions.  Entering college I had no major, and really no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I carried on this way until January 12, 2009.

Jayden, first day of life

Claudia, first day of life

The moment I held my two babies on my chest while my stomach was sewn up was the moment that my purpose in life began.  The deal was further sealed on April 23, 2011 when my third baby was born.

elliette, first day of life

Balancing life with kids is incredibly difficult.  You have to take care of three people who don’t know how to care for themselves, you have to feed them, entertain them, teach them, clean up their huge messes, wipe their bottoms and wash their faces.  When the day is through, you’re exhausted.  There’s no time left for yourself, or your husband for that matter.  It’s so easy to lose yourself, and then there is the fear.  Fear that you’re not going to have any sense of self soon, fear that when the kids grow up you’ll be lost.  Fear that you are growing apart from your husband.  Fear that your friends only view you as a Mommy and not as a productive member of society.  Lots of fear.

Add to that fear all of the pressure to be a perfect Mommy.  There are so many reminders in social media that you’re inadequate.  You shouldn’t yell, you shouldn’t punish, it goes on and on.  It’s impossible not to make mistakes, and you feel guilty for those mistakes.  This is my job, I want to be the best at it!  It all takes a toll on your sanity.

I haven’t had time to write music in four years.  Lately I’ve had a title stuck in my head and have been waiting for the time to write the rest.  The title is “You’re Bigger Than Me”.

My kids are bigger than me.  When you give in to that concept then it’s easier to let go of the ego and importance of wondering what people think of you.  The decisions that I make in my life now are first and foremost about their well-being.  As we plan our move to another city, I remember it’s for them.  One day my children will be smarter than me, more compassionate than me, healthier than me, and even BIGGER than me.  I want to be the catalyst.  I want to be one of the reasons they become what they become.

I still get to be with my girlfriends, I have date night, I get to have adventures without children, and I get to have a little bit of time to work on me every once in a while.  One day I’ll have more time, and thinking of that makes me sad because it will mean my babies are grown.

The past four years have been BY FAR the most important of my entire life.  I’m so grateful for this experience.

Mother’s Day, on a long drive home in the dark, I looked in the rear view mirror at my oldest daughter to see her usual bright and shining light.  She’s Got A Way came on the radio.  As i listened to the lyrics I realized Billy Joel was singing about my daughter.

 

She’s got a way about her
I don’t know what it is
But I know that I can’t live without her
She’s got a way of pleasin’
I don’t know why it is
But there doesn’t have to be a reason anywhere
She’s got a smile that heals me
I don’t know what it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She’s got a way of talkin’
I don’t know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin’ anywhere
She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She’s got a way of showin’
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin’
She’s got a light around her
And ev’rywhere she goes a million
Dreams of love surround her ev’rewhere
She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me, I get turned around
She’s got a smile that heals me
I don’t know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She’s got a way about her
I don’t know what it is
But I know that I can’t live without her any way

Since before I became a Mother I’ve always struggled with answering the question “So what do you do?”. I never did anything that I felt proud enough to answer. I never really felt like I had a calling, and I hated that question. It made me feel like I really wasn’t much of anything. Most people define themselves by their career aspirations, and I never had that “aha” moment of clarity about who I was. I’ve searched for it since I graduated high school. How could all those people entering college know who they are already? It never got easier.

When I became a Mother I still answered that question at parties with “I’m a Realtor”, not really proud enough to tell people that my main job was being a Mother. Three years into Motherhood I realized that I was proud of my job. I don’t remember the exact moment that it happened, but I was at a party recently and realized my answer to the question was now “I’m a Mom”. Now when you tell someone that you’re a Mom, you get few questions, if any. Maybe you get asked how many you have, or what age, but that’s about it. I don’t know if that’s because people find being a Mother boring, or if they just assume I’m drinking rum and cokes all day while watching Days Of Our Lives in my dirty sweat pants. The dirty sweat pants part is probably accurate. 🙂

Answering honestly made me look at myself honestly. No, I don’t really have a calling other than being a Mom – at least for now. Being a Mom has taught me more in three years than a lifetime of learning and experiences. It’s made my skin very thick, but also made my heart soft and warm. It’s forced me to look at who I am, who I want to be, and who I want my children to be. It’s forced me to question every relationship in my life and its validity or value. I live my life more honestly than I ever have.

So here I am, watching my daughter in the back seat, when I realize that what makes her magic has nothing to do with her career aspirations. Her magic is what makes people fall in love. It’s not about your goals, your career or “what you do”. It’s simply about magic. It’s what made me fall in love with my husband on the night I met him, and it’s what makes me love my children every single day.

And as she sat there in the back seat, Billy Joel sang this song about my daughter. I realized she had given me the best gift I could ever receive for Mother’s Day, and she didn’t even know she gave it to me. She gave me back my magic. She reminded me that I am many things, but that no single one of those things defines me. Just when you think you’ve fit me into a box, I will magically appear in another. What I do is give and receive love, moment to moment, on a daily basis. That’s about the only thing I’m sure that I will do the rest of my life. That, and be a Mother.

I’ve never had to let someone go, until now.

I’ve known other people that have done it, and I was always surprised that a relationship could deteriorate so much that the only solution was not to speak. Sadly, I have come to that point with my brother.

I tend to be very outspoken. I didn’t grow up this way, in fact I was very shy. I mostly kept my feelings and thoughts to myself. I think sometime during my freshman year I found my voice. As an adult I have made honesty and accountability a part of my personality. It’s the part of ME I’m most proud of.

If I am honest to myself and others, I never have to back track.  I don’t have to remember who I told what.  I can live my life wide open.  Not only does this make life very simple, it also keeps me remembering that I need to live with integrity.  This leads me to accountability.

If I am accountable to myself and others, I live with built-in checks and balances.  When I screw up I’m usually the first one to see it, but if I don’t, I expect the people closest to me to tell me.  I want to be the best me I can be.  I have a DESIRE to grow.

I often tell my husband, “I’d rather spend time alone then spend time with people I don’t truly connect with.”  I’ve come to realize that this not only includes friends, but family as well.  I’ve spent a lot of time helping my brother only to feel like it’s just been a one-way street.  At least twice each year for the past six years I have taken on more responsibility than one should as a sister.  When you wake up in the morning with that pit in your stomach that something is wrong, you go through your list.  What’s wrong in my world that is making me feel this way?  For me it’s been a sense of responsibility to make sure his life is going well.  He needs a new job, he can’t pay his bills, where will he live, etc etc etc.

I now realize this was MY FAULT.  I take on other people’s problems as my very own.  I stop focusing on making my life better, I drop everything to spend the day making someone else’s better.  I think I was born a “Supporter”.  It’s what I’m best at, and I try to accept it.  What I’m realizing I need to do is to Support those who can’t support themselves.  I need to channel my energy into my children, and into making a bigger difference in the world.

So because I’ve been a giver and not a taker for six years, I’ve grown resentful.  My relationship with my brother has come to a screeching hault.   I feel neglected, mistreated, unloved, and abused.  I had to walk away.

As he starts his own family this year I hope that he will find a DESIRE to grow.  If he does, maybe one day he’ll come back to me.  Maybe he’ll come back as the brother I needed – one I could count on not just to help me with my grocery shopping, but to sit in the backyard and laugh with my kids.

And if he doesn’t come back, well then, I set him free.

The elephant above is the mascot of my blog.  She’s not dead, she’s very much living, and connected to her Mother.  She has everything in life to look forward to, and she’s currently coddled in her Mother’s Womb.  She has One Desire To Grow.  “Starting with one desire to grow, the path is laid with seeds we sow”.

This is very appropriate for this post, as it starts with the FIERCE LOVE that Mothers feel and their desire to protect all children.  It’s simply biological.

Recently my Sister-in-Law sparked a debate on her Facebook page about a controversial sleep training method for children.  She does not believe in the method, and was posting backup articles for her case.  She was hoping to have a civil debate on the topic, and of course I joined in.

I was on the other side, but I wanted to hear more about everyone’s views.  A few of her friends posted their beliefs and experiences (brief) but one in particular just wanted to show her distaste for my Sister’s opinion, offering no back-up or personal experience.  Several posts later she posted that her husband told her she shouldn’t have joined in on such a controversial subject.  WHY???  I understand that Facebook is supposed to be a social network… but does that mean it’s limited to shallow postings about where you’re eating, or photos of your dog?

I personally would like to see more postings where I get to know the people that I love and care about more.  I’m happy to know how my Sister feels about important topics.  Why is that considered controversial?

My husband and I had a long drive and a great conversation about friends.  Who do you love, who could you lose and not miss if you moved away, and why?  I came to the conclusion that what was important to me in a friend was not the length of friendship, but the quality of that friendship.  I based that quality on two important qualities: the ability to be deep and discuss your opinions, and the ability to also be fun and silly.  Lots of my friends on Facebook fell into one or the other category.  Totally deep, but no fun.  Totally silly but can’t be deep or is afraid to share.  There were only about 5 we could list that could do both – and they are amazing people.  THOSE are the people I want to be friends with.

About two months ago I started posting a lot of status updates about animals, animal shelters, helping those in need, sharing, caring, etc.  I was so sad to discover that out of my 209 Facebook friends (friends that I filtered out fairly well) I was only getting thumbs up from a few people each time.  Sometimes no comments.  Those people were my Aunt, my Mom, my Sister-in-Law, and a random friend or two.  When I posted silly photos, or a sale of Cat Shoes at Macy’s, I got 10 comments.  WHY???  This really annoyed me.  Here were subjects that were of utmost importance to me, and they were being ignored.  Not even a thumbs up.  I thumbs up people all the time – for everything.  It’s a click.  It’s a “Hey, I feel ya”, not some type of financial commitment or debate.

I have always been pretty selective about who I hang out with, and here I was feeling dissed by 200 people – not just acquaintances but also my good friends.  Then I started thinking hard about who my friends are…. and when I checked out their Facebook pages, how many of them were having meaningful conversations?  Not many.

Facebook has the power to make change, we’ve witnessed it over and over again all year.  Where are those people?  I know about 2 people that frequently support causes on Facebook.  Does that mean I only have 2 real friends that give a shit?

Grow some balls people.  Talk about your causes, make change.  Remember when I said I was accepting blankets for donation to the animal shelter? You don’t even have to drive it there or see their sad faces.  Please just care about something.  Please.  Then share it.

I have very little spare time, but I was compelled to start a blog.  My hope is that one day I will have the time and means to start a non-profit that can make big changes in the world.  If my posts make you feel the same way and you’d like to be a contributor, please let me know.

This blog will cover a wide range of topics – all the things that I care about in life.  They will all have one thing in common – One Desire To Grow.