I’ve never had to let someone go, until now.
I’ve known other people that have done it, and I was always surprised that a relationship could deteriorate so much that the only solution was not to speak. Sadly, I have come to that point with my brother.
I tend to be very outspoken. I didn’t grow up this way, in fact I was very shy. I mostly kept my feelings and thoughts to myself. I think sometime during my freshman year I found my voice. As an adult I have made honesty and accountability a part of my personality. It’s the part of ME I’m most proud of.
If I am honest to myself and others, I never have to back track. I don’t have to remember who I told what. I can live my life wide open. Not only does this make life very simple, it also keeps me remembering that I need to live with integrity. This leads me to accountability.
If I am accountable to myself and others, I live with built-in checks and balances. When I screw up I’m usually the first one to see it, but if I don’t, I expect the people closest to me to tell me. I want to be the best me I can be. I have a DESIRE to grow.
I often tell my husband, “I’d rather spend time alone then spend time with people I don’t truly connect with.” I’ve come to realize that this not only includes friends, but family as well. I’ve spent a lot of time helping my brother only to feel like it’s just been a one-way street. At least twice each year for the past six years I have taken on more responsibility than one should as a sister. When you wake up in the morning with that pit in your stomach that something is wrong, you go through your list. What’s wrong in my world that is making me feel this way? For me it’s been a sense of responsibility to make sure his life is going well. He needs a new job, he can’t pay his bills, where will he live, etc etc etc.
I now realize this was MY FAULT. I take on other people’s problems as my very own. I stop focusing on making my life better, I drop everything to spend the day making someone else’s better. I think I was born a “Supporter”. It’s what I’m best at, and I try to accept it. What I’m realizing I need to do is to Support those who can’t support themselves. I need to channel my energy into my children, and into making a bigger difference in the world.
So because I’ve been a giver and not a taker for six years, I’ve grown resentful. My relationship with my brother has come to a screeching hault. I feel neglected, mistreated, unloved, and abused. I had to walk away.
As he starts his own family this year I hope that he will find a DESIRE to grow. If he does, maybe one day he’ll come back to me. Maybe he’ll come back as the brother I needed – one I could count on not just to help me with my grocery shopping, but to sit in the backyard and laugh with my kids.
And if he doesn’t come back, well then, I set him free.